No fear in growing old

'Twas the day before Spring Break, and I was up early drinking my coffee in the Scrounge, waiting for a meeting to begin. Despite the hour, I was chatty and exuberant, and probably a bit obnoxious to my morning companions. I remember my InterVarsity staff worker Billy looking at me curiously that morning and asking me if my sister and I were raised by our grandparents since both of us embodied several "old-ladylike" tendencies. I couldn't help but laugh at the remark because I very often think about these characteristics: using formal as well as old fuddy-duddy expressions, waking up early just to get the day started, enjoying my good ol' musicals and black and white films, and longing to be a professional rather than a student in a generation I often can't understand.


 
While my sister and I didn't grow up in a home with our grandparents as caregivers, our mom and dad instilled in us a tremendous appreciation and respect for our elders, and we even picked up a few extra sets of grandparents and aunts and uncles along the way! I never met my mom's parents, and relationally, I was never able to just hop on the knee of either grandparent on my dad's side. However, we took Grandmom Peg and Grandpop Bill as real grandparents even though our blood lines never crossed. We visited our dear friends Rose and Ed Soken every week until they passed away when I was seven. Our family "adopted" Aunt Betty and Uncle Bob and Aunt Dorothy into our family and frequently stopped in to see my mom's Uncle Tony and Uncle Johnny in their musky old home. When I look back on my early life, I see just how much I was influenced by a different generation and by the relationships I had with older members of our family, the blood-related and adopted members alike.


 
It makes sense to me why I love chatting with older men and women, hearing their life stories and allowing them to impart their wisdom on an impressionable youngin' like me. The summer after my freshman and sophomore years of college, I had the wonderful opportunity of working at Sandy Cove's Campground with the volunteers who served in the Camp Store and in campground maintenance. Many of the married couples I encountered were in their sixties, and for me, they were a constant reminder of what truly Christ-centered marriages could look like forty years down the road. With John and Sue Smith, Tom and Lucy Stackhouse and Henry and Ann Norment, I was overwhelmed by God's grace in their marriages, the second chances he provided for many of them, and the self-sacrificing love they expressed toward one another. In my heart, I yet again adopted another three sets of spiritual grandparents who shared their walks of faith, their struggles, their stories and their lives with me. I created their work schedules and assigned them their daily tasks, and despite my young age in comparison, they respected me and worked alongside me with love and compassion.


 
On Tuesday morning, April 20, the Lord unexpectedly took home one of his faithful servants, Henry. An intellectual and problem solver, Henry's type-A personality kept maintenance a priority at the Campground. He and I talked about politics, religion, our families, the trips he and his wife took across the country in their mobile home "Bethany," and the good books we had read. He and "Annie," as he always called his wife of only a few years, woke daily at 6:30 am for devotions and prayer together; they preferred to eat meals with one another during the work day; they walked hand-in-hand beside the shoreline every evening; he always opened the car door for her and she always called him on their "walkie-talkie" to check that he was okay throughout the day. I am so blessed to have called him my friend and to have witnessed his faith daily during those two wonderful summers. I know he is worshipping with his Creator, and I can only imagine the joy of the reunion! For Annie, my heart aches that she has lost the love of her life and yet I still see her strength and faith amidst losing her husband to a sudden rupture and bleeding in the brain. To everyone in her e-mail prayer letter, she writes: "He returned back to His Father in Heaven and the Christ he loved so much.  As suddenly he came into my life 10 years ago, he was gone.  But what a Blessed 10 years."


 
I do not fear growing old for I see both the endurance of love relationships centered in Christ and the peace of returning to the Father at the end of the great race. I am convinced that there is tremendous joy in the journey if we have the faith to fight amidst our trials. I am so blessed by the faithfulness of Henry and Annie and the other couples who treated me as one of their own grandchildren during those summers. I only pray that God may shape me into a woman of faithfulness, love and perseverance as he molded these elder friends in my life.

Waiting Just a Little for the Future to Unfold

I lifted the first spoonful of Raisin Bran Crunch to my mouth and averted my eyes, beyond the tumbler of dining hall coffee and bowl of cantaloupe, toward my little pink pocket Bible. Those who see me in the dining hall day after day can tell you my breakfast selection doesn't change. I am a creature of habit, a college kid getting old and set in her ways before her time. However, for all of the routine and consistency I work into my life, I have seen God change so much in the last few months. I was flipping through the Psalms that day, in search of where the deer pants for water, just as I panted for my breakfast, when I stumbled across the cry of David's heart in Psalm 40:

I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry. (v. 1)

I paused for a moment then continued reading, my morning munchies suddenly becoming secondary to the text printed before me:

He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire;
       he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. (v. 2)

He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.
       Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD. (v. 3)

At this stage in the spring semester, I was about to make one of those "major" life decisions—what to do after graduation—which in my case involved selecting a graduate school. Yet continuing on to earn an MPA, let alone attending grad school, were the least possible options on my radar screen in the fall. I had plans to go to Law School, or at least I was preparing for it, until I heard a clear "no" and saw the door slam shut. A part of me wanted to keep pushing, since it seemed like the whole world knew I was taking my LSATs and writing my personal statement. Even though I had doubts for months and felt uneasy about becoming a lawyer, what would people say about me changing my mind? That I was fickle? That I was another misguided college senior unsure of her future? Still, I knew that the only reason to keep going in that direction was pride, fear that I was not living up to my fullest potential, the concern that I was disappointing my family and academic advisors, and the sheer uncertainty of what I was supposed to do instead.

Blessed is the man who makes the LORD his trust,
       who does not look to the proud, to those who turn aside to false gods. (v. 4)

And so, I waited. And prayed. And sought the counsel of those who knew me well. And waited for a window to open after that door had been closed. And then I waited some more.

For someone who likes to have all the items on her to-do list crossed off, the empty box next to "figure out future plans" task was a real tough line to see glaring from the page. The inner "go-getter" told me to keep busy, ask around, do everything I possibly could to force open some window to find any possible opening. Yet, my spirit told me to rest, to resist searching in my own strength and to turn my cares to someone who already knew where I would be in a year.

I remember laying on the grass at a retreat in the fall and just weeping, with tears trickling out from the corners of my eyes.

"Lord, what do you want me to do?" I cried.

After several minutes of me pouring out my anxiety and worries about the future, I was suddenly filled with an overwhelming sense of peace. Did God hear my prayer? I heard no voices, felt no gusts of wind, sensed no burning fires. Still, I believe He did hear me, but the answer did not come as "Diane, go do (fill in the blank) and that is where you will be next year." Instead, I heard loud and clear in the silence, "Wait on me, my child, for I really do have something planned for you. Today is just not the day. Wait patiently."

And, so I did. And this time, I did not mind the waiting so much.

Many, O LORD my God, are the wonders you have done.
       The things you planned for us no one can recount to you;
       were I to speak and tell of them, they would be too many to declare. (v. 5)

Sacrifice and offering you did not desire, but my ears you have pierced;
       burnt offerings and sin offerings you did not require. (v. 6)

A few weeks later, I received an e-mail inviting me to a grad school open house at UD's School of Urban Affairs and Public Policy. I was home for Thanksgiving break when the message popped into my inbox, and I just threw the idea out to my folks, who were standing a few feet away in the kitchen. It seemed right up my alley…it was too good to be true…and I never even realized that field existed before that moment. I was shocked to hear such overwhelming approval and encouragement from my parents when all I truly expected was, "That sounds good, sweetie. Just do some more research and we'll talk about it later." But the approval I had prayed for was also there along with a new fire in my eyes and desire in my heart.

I signed up to take the GRE, e-mailed professors and got the ball rolling on grad school odds and ends. There was no need to pry open a window anymore when I was feeling a steady breeze guiding me in the right direction. In all the ways the LSAT told me not to go to Law School, the GRE assured me that I was not a failure and that I did in fact have a future in an area I had never even considered possible!

Then I said, "Here I am, I have come— it is written about me in the scroll. (v. 7)

I desire to do your will, O my God; your law is within my heart." (v. 8)

The day before Spring Break, I was offered a graduate assistantship that will fully fund my education and living costs, accepted UD's offer for admission, and signed a lease to live with a "kindred spirit" and beloved friend next year. In those last few days before I put my signature the dotted line, I had too many options for grad schools and assistantships in front of me. And this time, my tears were because of awe at God's incredible provision, overabundant blessings and really perfect timing.

I proclaim righteousness in the great assembly;
       I do not seal my lips, as you know, O LORD. (v. 9)

I do not hide your righteousness in my heart; I speak of your faithfulness and salvation.
       I do not conceal your love and your truth from the great assembly. (v. 10)

Now, to all of you who have witnessed my own journey over the last few months and to those who are still waiting for an answer to future plans or tough life decisions, do not be afraid to wait patiently on the LORD, whose knowledge of our hearts surpasses even our own understanding and whose love for us will spill forth in ways we cannot even begin to imagine.

Still, amidst all the awe and confirmation I received over the last few months, my doubting alter ego is still quite the little yapper and a liar and a real force to be reckoned with.

Do not withhold your mercy from me, O LORD;
       may your love and your truth always protect me. (v. 11)

For troubles without number surround me; my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see.
       They are more than the hairs of my head, and my heart fails within me. (v. 12)

As I prepare to start working this summer and piecing together all the details for the next phase in my life, I can't deny that I still hear a little voice telling me that I settled for second best, that I should have chosen a better grad program, that all this was too easy, that I am just doing merely what's most comfortable, and that I still won't be able to find a job after my two-year program is up.

But whose approval am I seeking? Whose word means the most? Advisors who think I still should have pursued law school? People who think staying in little ol' "Dela-where" is a waste? Those who always believed I would be gallivanting in Europe with marvelous adventures ahead of me?

Be pleased, O LORD, to save me; O LORD, come quickly to help me. (v. 13)

May all who seek to take my life be put to shame and confusion;
       may all who desire my ruin be turned back in disgrace. (v. 14)

May those who say to me, "Aha! Aha!" be appalled at their own shame. (v. 15)

But may all who seek you rejoice and be glad in you;
       may those who love your salvation always say, "The LORD be exalted!" (v. 16)

Yet I am poor and needy; may the Lord think of me.
       You are my help and my deliverer; O my God, do not delay. (v. 17)

I know I cannot go forward without turning all of these joys and fears before God. He has carried me so far, and prepared me in so many different ways over the years for my new assistantship, graduate degree and academic pursuits. I am amazed, encouraged and humbled by how my life has been transformed despite my constant desire to organize and plan my whole life's journey all by myself.

To all of you, wherever you are in deciding for the future:

Rejoice in your waiting period! Give thanks if you already heard a "yes" in one way or another! Be patient and wait on the LORD. Just do not remain silent! God heard David thousands of years ago and I promise He is still listening. Now, what does that mean for you in the months to come?