The Fight for True Independence

She glared indignantly, bristled, then turned swiftly, making her petticoats blow the dusty Colorado Springs soil around her. That’s right, Dr. Mike, you tell ‘em!

Saving patients, defending the Cheyenne or proving her medical expertise, the lady protagonist in the television series Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman never takes no for an answer. While snowed-in during the first blizzard last weekend, my sister and I absorbed the entire first season of my favorite childhood drama. My mind flooded with memories of the many years and Saturday nights spent watching the show with my family more than a decade ago. However, this time, I was keenly aware of Dr. Quinn’s stubbornness and of the countless times she exploded in with riled responses. “No one can tell me how to run my life,” “Nothing can stop me,” or “If you won’t do it, then I will.” And in sixty minutes time, no one could tell her, nothing did stop her, and she went on and did it, just like she said!

It is interesting how the fictional characters I have admired most, including Jane Austen’s Elizabeth Bennet, L.M. Montgomery’s Anne Shirley, and the aforementioned Dr. Michaela Quinn, are downright headstrong and passionate, willing to do almost anything to prove they are capable, independent women. And this time as I watched the fiery doctor turn on her heels and ignore the people or situations creating obstacles, I discovered my own heels have been digging in the ground recently, and in a tremendous desire for control over my own life, I too have been flinging dust in the eyes of those around me.

What is quite striking is how this independent spirit rises up and interferes most in the relationships where we are genuinely struggling to truly love. Among family, with friends, and in the midst of living situations, we often wish to be left alone, to do our own thing without interference. Our plans are our own. Our time and to-do lists belong to us. Our eating, sleeping, or work habits should be ours too. We imagine it’s possible to compartmentalize love: I’ll love intentionally at the dinner table, in the dining hall and when it’s time to turn out the lights, but all bets are off as soon as the ability to manage my own affairs is challenged. My life! Mine. Mine? That whole intent to be more loving is then foiled by the ever-charming “Me-Gremlin” let loose to wreak havoc in our relationships. In our desire for independence, we actually become slaves to our selfish desires and even our sharp tongues.

We can look at 1 Corinthians 13 for the perfect model of love. It’s prepared with patience and kindness. Then it's mixed with forgiveness and humility. Add the trust and hope, a dash of protection with a pinch of perseverance, sift out the rudeness and boastfulness, stir in the truthfulness, and suddenly we’ve just tried to follow is a simple recipe for love. However, I was reminded last fall that this famous chapter on love comes directly after the passage describing the Church as a body of believers, with all members dependent on their fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. To love is to be part of the community, to sign your “x” on the dotted line, to commit to being part of your family’s household, friend group, fellowship, living situation, and to be all in, even when it’s ridiculously tough to love.

Jesus put it all in, no take-backs, no broken promises, no running away when the crowds sought after Him, no calling on His angels to bring Him bread nor ordering them to halt the soldiers as they crucified Him. He never tried to concoct his own plan to atone for the sins of man. He promised, obeyed, submitted, followed through, and LOVED without ever seeking to make Himself independent of the Father’s will.

May our own independent spirits no longer hold us as slaves to our selfishness and desire for control. And, as we discern where and with whom we are most obstinate, or refusing to love completely, may our spirits remain forever in Christ, who gave us true independence through His selfless acts of love for us.

Heart and Mouth Disease: A Little Spring Cleaning Needed

Just like every sibling pair, my older sister and I used to nag and pick at one another. She would boss me around, and I, in my passive-aggressive way, would take it then finally explode with a squeal of vengeance. That's right, she would get in trouble because our mother would walk in and see that I was clearly in distress. Mom came in too late to witness that I had added fuel to the fire during our childish quarrels. My sister soon learned not to stick her tongue out at me lest I tattle-tell on her. So, Carol the Clever would crinkle up her nose at me instead! Somehow "Mom, she's sticking her nose out at me!" just wasn't as effective at getting her in trouble.

I realize that my wise older sister had something there. She saw that use of the tongue can cause quite a bit of mischief. Now, we're older and we don't quite poke out our tongues exactly like we did back then, but that odd little organ placed ever so perfectly in our mouths still manages to cause tremendous damage. Instead of a mere poke of the tongue, we use it to lash out, to criticize, condemn, demean, tease, gossip, lie, and the list goes on. That's quite a bit of power that our comments, even a solitary word, can possess!

We are warned of the strength of our words (Prov. 18:21, James 3:8), how we should use wisdom in what we say (Prov. 10:19, Prov. 15:2, Prov. 21:23), and how to utilize every word for good (1 Tim 4:12, Eph 4:29, Eph 5:4. Our tongue is likened to a fire (James 3:6) and our words can pierce like a sharp sword (Prov. 12:18). Ouch! I don't particularly enjoy getting burned or cut—in the kitchen or in my spirit.

In rediscovering these verses of both warning and guidance, I deemed it possible to start using the proverbial filter when I speak, that is, thinking before I say things I might regret. Frustrated at home? No problem, I just won't criticize, and I will say only nice things or nothing at all. Bothered by something a friend did or said? I'll just smile and avoid being harsh when I see them, and I won't complain about the situation to anyone else. Talking more than listening when catching up with someone? Next time I'll remain silent and let them lead the conversation and refrain from offering too much feedback. Good resolutions. I just need to rely on God to make me more conscientious, right?

Not exactly. Being a more conscientious person, I soon realized, is not the problem. It is true that in all things we are called to ask for God's strength to give us self-control, including in taming the tongue. Still, toning down the words that come out my mouth only deals with part of the issue. In the heat of the moment, when anger or judgment is boiling up inside, it's like a geyser, ready to spew steaming water into the air at a moment's notice. There's no time or need for a filter to hold back that powerful force—it will break under the pressure.

It was during those times that I prayed Psalm 19:14, and I believed I was asking for two different things: LORD, keep me from mean and nasty speech (install a Godly filter in my mouth), and also remove those unpleasant thoughts in my heart (while you're installing the screen at the front door, do some spring cleaning inside), Amen. Then, I stumbled across some verses in Matthew and realized that no screen, regardless of how many nuts and bolts hold it in place, can withstand the force of what comes from within, from the heart.

"But the things that come out of the mouth come from the heart, and these make a man 'unclean.' For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander. These are what make a man 'unclean'; but eating with unwashed hands does not make him 'unclean.'" Matthew 15:18-20

I can try to be nice and temper my words, but even with what I don't say, the tone of my voice and curt responses speak volumes. And those nuances come straight from the heart. The heart and the mouth are so incredibly and inextricably related! What we believe in our heart is confessed with our mouths (Romans 10:8-10), and our words or use of our words are juxtaposed with the heart dozens of times in Proverbs (Prov. 10:20; 15:7, 28; 16:23; 23:15).

There is a tremendous freedom in recognizing that the quick fix does not rest in merely altering the words that escape from our lips. The challenge, however, rests in allowing a total renovation of the heart. The degree to which we love or respect another person will guide what and how we say anything, and how we love is determined by the spiritual transformation happening within.

"If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God. If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power forever and ever. Amen." 1 Peter 4:11

The Kind of Love We Desire

During the past semester and even more specifically in the last week, I have been reminded of the "Great Relationship Challenge," for both guys and girls. It doesn't help that Valentine's Day is fast approaching and people are already planning their singles parties in response. I for one am discouraged by the tendency of women in particular to band together and lament their single status. Gentlemen, I don't know what you do about this, but I sense that you probably share your tales of woe as well.

However, this is not a commentary on our February 14 holiday. That is still a few weeks away. No, this is a response to how we perceive love in relationships and the kind of person we desire in those relationships. I am struck by how many girls swoon over the romance in Twilight (which I only saw on the spur of the moment in the theatre without having read the books) and epitomize the protective, obsessive love between the two main characters. To be honest, my heart just broke when I saw how Edward put Bella on this tremendous pedestal of perfection and later how Bella emotionally and physically fell to pieces over their breakup. There are two VERY unhealthy pieces to that relationship: first, Edward idolized Bella, an imperfect being, as his first love; second, Bella found her identity in an imperfect man, and when he left, she no longer existed because her identity had vanished.

It is so easy to want to look for a man or woman who will not disappoint us, someone who we can hold up to love and worship because we know we ourselves are so flawed. That's right, we are imperfect, and we want stability and perfection in our midst. Sometimes, we find someone, and blinded by our passion, we worship them and can't even see that the other party does in fact have flaws too.

Several ladies agreed with me this week when I commented how I do not want to be idolized by any man, and if a gentleman is loving me more than he loves God, then we are in for a pretty risky venture. I imagine, too, that guys also do not wish to be the man put up on the white horse, lest they fall off their "bleached charger" and disappoint their lovely damsels in/not in distress.

Ladies and gentlemen, I challenge you to seek this in your relationships:

I desire someone:

• to love but not idolize me
  
• to respect but not epitomize me
  
• to know and challenge me
  
• to protect and encourage me
  
• to be strong in faith and weak at the knees before the Lord
  
• to work diligently but rest in God's Word
  
• to fight for truth and righteousness and surrender to the Father's will
  
• to be imperfect but undergoing spiritual transformation
  
• to see my imperfections and spur me on towards Christ
  

And what are the risks of relationship idolatry? Well, if someone were to put me on a pedestal, I would probably respond in one of two ways:

1. Become so enamored by someone's affection for me that I no longer have the desire to grow or strengthen my relationship with God. Hey, this person already thinks I'm okay, so why go to the trouble to change?
   
2. Become resentful that someone esteems me so much yet does not care enough to challenge me amidst my flaws. Seriously, I don't want to be perceived as perfect when there is only one great God to be worshiped first.
   

These are just a few reflections based upon recent conversations and the feeling that some of us need a little encouragement in this area. And where do we go to find the model of the characters we want to encourage in our friends or partners? Ladies, let's start by looking at Proverbs 31 and spur one another on; men, take a look at Boaz and be encouraging one another as well. I know there are a million other places to look, but maybe those can be suggestions we pass along to one another. Above all, remember that Christ's perfect love is incomprehensible and 1 Corinthians 13 is just a glimpse of how our hearts can be transformed in Christ!