Almost Perfect

I flipped over the quiz my professor had just returned and I stared at the grade on the top of the page. My first academic assessment in grad school: 46 out of 46 points and the word "Perfect!" written next to the dazzling fraction. "Gee," I thought. "Maybe I can hack grad school after all!" However, as the professor reviewed the quiz with the class, I realized I had given an incorrect answer to one of the multiple choice questions. I also realized that my personal little "victory" wouldn't be so sweet knowing I didn't really deserve that "perfect" score. As he dismissed the class for the weekend, I approached him at the front of the room. "So, you know how you said some folks struggled with that question? Um, did you by chance decide not to count it?" I asked him. He shook his head, puzzled. "Well, then," I continued, "I actually got it wrong. Sorry, I'm just brutally honest." He looked amazed, and told me to do the correction for that question and hand it in the following week.

I knew it wasn't stupid or foolish to be honest. In fact, it was a load off my chest that I had been straightforward. However, I was a bit bummed that it wasn't the "perfect" score I thought it was during those three minutes of glory. I saw my pride, and chided myself for feeling that way. I know I'm not perfect. Gosh, I was so aware of it more and more each day as I struggled to keep up with grad classes, work, relationships, sleep—I felt like I was a huge disappointment to myself and to everyone around me. Because I wasn't perfect, I was a huge let-down. That's how I felt.

This past semester was quite the whirlwind. And, as I look back, I see that I fell into the trap that I hadn't really encountered since my college-prep high school days, the years of me being constantly performance-driven and struggling with the acute symptoms of perfectionism. But this time around, I would beat myself up over typos or unsent e-mails at work, I made myself feel guilty when I was too busy to hang out with friends, I hated myself for not being better about calling home and keeping in touch with family, I cried when I realized I had hurt someone close to me because I thought I was being a burden, and I told myself that if I wasn't doing school work, I should be sitting in my apartment working hard! I reasoned that the most respected people are those who can do it all. Yet with all these expectations, all these high standards for myself—it was just too much!

Deep down I knew just how false it was to desire to get it all right. And what made matters worse was that I was feeling spiritually dry. My quest for perfection had left me feeling weary, burdened, and unworthy of receiving grace. It came to the point where I started asking those closest to me, "Why are you still around? Don't you see I'm not perfect?" And I challenged them to walk away from self-deprecating, broken, little ol' me. But they didn't budge. They told me I was worth sticking around for. Why? Because of grace.

Grace, undeserved favor, bestowed upon me by my God. And the people in my life were showing it to me clear as day! What joy I felt knowing they forgave me and would stick by me even when I was anxious, selfish, hurting, and missing the mark! That broke me down of my pride. Rather, it is still breaking me of the pride that keeps me from being transparent and admitting my weaknesses. I am loved amid my flaws and even because of them. I am challenged to take my broken pieces and do something with them rather than just let them keep hurting myself and those around me.

The day after I handed in my quiz corrections, my professor saw me at the water fountain. "I changed the grade on your quiz," he remarked with a smile. "I wrote almost perfect instead. Hey, you still did really well." I had to smile and chuckle a bit. I did know that being a woman of grace or integrity did not require perfection. In fact, I wouldn't need grace if I was perfect all the time. No one had ever called me to be perfect or expected that of me. I was the only one who expected it of myself. I was reminded once again that I have a good God who sees my imperfections and loves me just the same.

I realize I don't really want to be perfect. If I hadn't messed up the quiz, I probably wouldn't have ever approached my professor and developed a good rapport with him. If I wasn't in need of forgiveness, I wouldn't understand how to truly forgive others around me. If I didn't continue to struggle with my imperfections, I would never need to call on my heavenly Father and ask Him to mend my brokenness. I would never desire to be in a relationship with Him if I had it all perfect!

And that is perfect freedom right there.

A 37-Minute Lesson Worth Remembering

 

I woke up this morning at 6:00am to finish my research scholarship application. Originally, my alarm was set for 4:00am, with the thought that after a 3-hour cat-nap, I could get up and keep plugging away at it. That always works during the school year! But, the snooze button won that battle.

 

I finished writing the proposal, e-mailed it out to my sister for a proofread at 7:38, and figured just a few-minute nap would be useful before getting up and going to work. I was tuckered out on only a few hours of sleep!

 

I opened my eyes and looked at the clock. Yikes! 9:01am, and I had intended to be at work by 9:30am and pull a slightly longer day!

 

No time for a shower. No milk left in the fridge for cereal. There was only enough time to get dressed, wash my face and brush my teeth, take a sip of coffee, run back to the bathroom to finish applying cover-up while I waited for my oatmeal to puff up, sneak another sip of coffee, and make a peanut butter sandwich.

 

I also had to strip my bed for the custodians to replace the mattresses in the Towers, hide personal belongings, and remember to write a check for my July rent. It took me forever to find where I "safely hid" my checkbook, and as I ran out the door, I still wasn't sure if my cell phone made it into my purse or was still hibernating in the room for the day. I am still not positive where it ended up.

 

Some would call this a bad morning. Maybe even a foreshadow to something likened to Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible No Good Very Bad Day. However, at the end that 37-minute period, from when I rolled out of bed to when I turned on the ignition of my car at 9:38am, I couldn't help by feel a sense of peace and tremendous joy to start the day. Sure, I slept late, finished my proposal at the last second, never made it to the gym, didn't get to relax over breakfast, and even made it to work 20 minutes later than I planned, but that's exactly it! My plans, my regimented desire for the day had failed and I was struck with the beautiful realization that my life is not in my own hands.

 

I felt more joyful this morning than I have any other day so far this summer. Why? Because I could laugh at my foolishness, my poor planning and procrastination, and my frazzled preparation, and knew without a doubt that the day ahead was out of my control.

 

I finally submitted the rushed scholarship application, and even though I feel the opportunity is a shot in the dark for me, the process taught me once again to still find joy in my weakness and to turn over whatever academic, professional, or daily task-oriented plans I may have.

 

Two nights ago, I was reading Paul's admission and celebration of weakness, and last evening, this passage was referenced a second time during a discussion:

 

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me"

2 Corinthians 12:9

 

They say three times is the charm, right? Well, on Reminder #3, I can rejoice that I am weak, He is strong, and my day has been oh so beautifully blessed!

The Seasons May Change (But My LORD is the Same)

As a child, I used to hate change. Whenever my mother decided to rearrange the furniture in the living room, I was discombobulated for days. When summer or family vacations ended, I would sit in my mom's lap and cry uncontrollably at the thought of something sweet being taken away coming to a close. I even recall feeling panicked at the thought of entering high school, and for an over achiever like me, the prospect of even more intense study habits rocked my world.

However, I can honestly say that since high school, I have developed an unusual fondness for change, for those natural breaks in the monotony of life. I looked to vacations and work periods as beautiful shifts in the natural rhythm, to friends moving on or my own departures with a sense of peace, and to the seasons as cues to make those necessary alterations in my attitude or activities, to enjoy yet another fresh start in my life.
When I think about the seasons, I am reminded of Solomon's verses in Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 and of the time and place designated for every action, thought, feeling or behavior:

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:

a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace. 

When I look back over the last year, I am amazed by the immense number of changes I've eexperienced in my own life. Sometimes I am discouraged by all the ups and downs and winding turns that take place over time, wishing I could be more consistent in my pursuits and daily walk; yet at the same time, I am humbled at the mere thought that, as I change over time and restart things over again and again, God is ALWAYS constant, and He uses those experiences to grow me into a woman after His own heart!

The last four seasons have been remarkable, and I have seen all the different ways God reveals his character and care for me:


Summer: The Refiner's Fire

For day and night your hand was heavy upon me;
    my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer.
-Psalm 32:4

Hot and humid. Oh, summertime, and the goin' ain't always easy in Delaware! I sure felt the heat last summer, but I'm not just talking about the weather. I put a lot of pressure on myself during those three sultry months as I began researching for my senior thesis and preparing for the LSATs. No one established a standard or advised me on how hard I should have worked; instead, I found myself setting unrealistic goals for myself and then feeling guilty when I didn't meet the mark. I believed I constantly needed to be reading articles and books pertaining to my research, and if I decided to take a break from that, I felt obligated to crack open some logic puzzles and tackle the infamous law school exam. Productivity was my idol, and the level of progress I attained became my identity. Something was off, I was miserable, and I began to push away the folks who loved me and wanted to spend time with me during those summer months.



By July 4^th, I was burnt out. In my mind, my work was not good enough and I compared myself to every other researcher, who I believed was doing more and was better motivated than I was. What poppycock! My sister gently pulled me aside and scolded me for making work a painful rather than joyful experience. She advised me to have fun, just to sit down, relax, and to read a good novel—nothing heavy like those non-fiction Christian books I insisted on reading in order to "fix" myself and "refine" my spirit. At the same time, I also started having qualms about attending law school, and I remember nearly crying in the kitchen of two friends as they prepared me dinner and I poured out my doubts and fears. I was also meeting with and studying Ecclesiastes with a woman from my UD "home" church last summer, and together we explored the purpose of life and the search for godly wisdom. I felt the pressure building and the heat beginning to burn some of the most sensitive areas of my heart and mind. Something just had to change.




I knew God was allowing me to pass through one of those testing periods. I was a slave to work and to my own self-deprecating thoughts. This cycle of fear and anxiety over plans for the present and the future continued until I realized the only bar, the only standard for my life is the one set before my by Christ. I needed to recognize once again that only He is Lord and that my identity is found in Him alone! I don't want to be my own master—after three months of micromanaging my destiny, I could rejoice in my insufficiency and finally praise God that I was not in control.


By the end of the summer, I realized I wasn't so far off track with my research. I had written 32 pages of my thesis and was ready to embark on a new semester. It is crazy how easily one can lose perspective of reality when wrapped up in self-seeking goals and following personal margin rather than looking to a holier standard of living. The fire was painful, but the process of refining my spirit and my growth during those three months prepared me for yet another season when I would be forced to trust God with my future dreams and surrender my life plans to Him.

These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.
-1 Peter 1:7

Fall: Providing for the Harvest

Now he who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food will also supply and increase your store of seed and will enlarge the harvest of your righteousness.
-2 Corinthians 9:10

It became evident last fall that law school was not the path I was to pursue. A few closed doors and a lack of desire for that destiny took root. However, after I surrendered that plan, I was left with an array of options and tremendous uncertainty. I knew I wanted to be used by God, but I had absolutely no idea where or how. I frequently asked friends where they could see me in the future. I heard several suggestions, but as soon as I heard a family doctor, the non-science-minded voice inside reminded me I should be lift this up in prayer and wait patiently on the Lord to see what to do next.

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
-1 Peter 5:6-7

In late November, I received a single e-mail inviting me to a grad school open house at UD. I realized the degree in public administration and an assistantship I was investigating combined so many past experiences, jobs and passions, and I saw how they could be used by God in ways I never thought possible! I realized why it was important for me to write a thesis for grad school, why I had worked in so many different "Fellows" positions with the Honors Program over the last four years, and why I was given the opportunity to serve through various roles in InterVarsity. All of these things had grown me, prepared me, and developed my passions, priorities and skills for both my masters program and assistantship. God provides in remarkable ways! While the sowing took some time (21 years of growing up to be exact), the ripened fruit has been sweeter than anything I could ever have imagined.

I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the muck and mire; he set my feet on solid ground and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD.
-Psalm 40:1-3

Winter: Humbled by God's Power

He spreads the snow like wool and scatters the frost like ashes.

He hurls down his hail like pebbles.  Who can withstand his icy blast?

He sends his word and melts them; he stirs up his breezes, and the waters flow.
-Psalm 147:16-18

The air turned crisp and the days became shorter. I do love when fall turns to winter, not only because I can curl up with a nice cup of tea openly start to play my Christmas carols (I start listening to Bing Crosby croon "White Christmas" on November 1^st much to my roommates' dismay), but because of the natural transition from one season to the next. Yet year after year, as winter sets in, so does my restless spirit. This year, I found myself more and more dismayed by the accumulating snow and the limitations set by intense weather conditions. I longed for my winter doldrums to melt away and for both my work productivity and mood to improve—the sooner the better!


As the weeks went on and I stomped around feeling sorry for myself, I realized I was wishing away my time at home and at UD rather than experiencing the joy of that season in my life. I would be graduating in a few months and there were so many precious conversations with friends and family, interesting encounters in the classroom, and nail-biting anticipation as I waited to hear from graduate schools. There were both delightful moments and dull periods during those months, but I was focusing so resolutely on the futility of winter.

As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, all the trees of the field will clap their hands.    
-Isaiah 55:10-12

There was one day right after the second February blizzard when I sat in my dorm room and watched the wind blow snow across the Green. Massive snowdrifts formed and tree branches sagged under the weight of the precipitation. Peering out my window, I remember a "wow" escaping with my breath as I exhaled; the force of the winds and intensity of the snow rendered me speechless! At that moment, I was overwhelmed by God's immense power. He created the winds and the snow, and their strength reflected just a glimpse of His might! Suddenly I felt so small, so foolish that I had been so eager for winter to pass, just so I could regain control over my life. I longed for spring so I could walk freely outside and smile in the sunshine. Yet, what I really needed was that reminder that I'm not in control. I am weak. I need a God who can set a blizzard in motion with just a single breath. Winter was rough, but wonderfully humbling as I witnessed the beautiful power of my LORD.

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
-Isaiah 40:29-31

Spring: A Beautiful Redemption

Oh give thanks to the LORD, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever! Let the redeemed of the LORD say so, whom he has redeemed from trouble and gathered in from the lands, from the east and from the west, from the north and from the south.
-Psalm 107:1-3

One early morning as I was making my way to the gym, I stopped next to Memorial Hall and stared at the red bricks under my sneakers. Through the cracks, I saw tiny worms creeping out and crawl toward the grass. I took a breath and smelled the earthy scent of spring rising and taking over. As was overwhelmed with that vision of life coming up from the ground and the knowledge that a bloomin' season was about to begin. As I continued walking, I repeated to myself over and over again, "God keeps His promises. Oh, yes, He keeps His promises!"

Know therefore that the LORD your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commands.
-Deuteronomy 7:9

I felt personally restored as winter turned to spring and all my anxiety and dreariness began to melt away. To some, this may sound sappy, but to others, it may strike a chord: I once again experienced a hopefulness that had died and was consumed with a joy that I am a living, breathing recipient of new life. We're not just talking that physical rejuvenation one gets when the weather is warmer, but the kind that reminds one's spirit of the new life guaranteed in Christ. We make ourselves slaves to fear, sadness, anxiety, apathy, or hopelessness, and yet we have a God who is faithful, who keeps his promises, who redeems us even when we feel unworthy of redemption.

 

Your love, O LORD, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies.
-Psalm 36:5
 

A part of me felt like I didn't deserve a gorgeous spring to come, that I was not worthy of the transformation that was taking hold of the world around me—I felt like I had reverted into my grumpy old alter ego named Mildred** who was perpetually self-absorbed and complaining about one thing or another. And yet by grace I was given an opportunity to turn my selfishness and sin over to God and give Mildred the boot! It's a mighty wonderful feeling to know I have been restored and I am not condemned to the life I no longer wish to live.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!
-2 Corinthians 5:17

A New Season

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
-Jeremiah 29:11

During the last few months, I've heard both grumbles and squeals from soon-to-be college grads, either lamenting the reality of entering the "real world" or celebrating the escape from academia. So many remarkable (and sometimes daunting) changes do occur as soon as college grads flip the tassels over their poorly-fitting caps. Finances, relationships, schedules all begin to take on a new shape, and sometimes an entirely different dynamic. However, on the eve of graduation, I must admit I am looking forward to the transition from the life of an undergraduate to one of a working graduate student.




It is truly difficult to say farewell to some, and I know maintaining strong relationships is a challenge. Yet, I believe that some friendships will develop and mature at this new stage in our lives, for our conversations and moments together will be that much sweeter with both time and space between us. There are folks who know my heart and love me, just as I know and love them. No matter where we travel, what profession we pursue, or what growth happens in our lives, we have one thing in common: a spiritual passion and longing that far surpasses whatever changes the world throws at us. For this, I am truly excited. I long to see how God will continue to transform my friends and loved ones over the next few months and years. If we look at live transitions like graduation in such a way, we are only left with a hope and a promise for greater things yet to come!

^"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."
-Joshua 1:9

Today, I cannot help but rejoice in the uncertainty of my future! I do not know what will happen in my life while I am in grad school or even after my two-year program ends. Still, I know God has carried me this far and I believe he will do the same for all those who remain anxious about what lies ahead. In the last year, I have witnessed so many amazing characteristics of God. He is a Refiner, Provider, and All-Powerful Redeemer. And while I have grown and changed, my LORD has remained constant! Yes, I am in His hands, and as I move into the next season of life, I can't wait to see where He carries me.

Then I heard the voice of the LORD saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?" And I said, "Here am I. Send me!"
-Isaiah 6:8

**The ladies who joined me for the book study Having a Mary Spirit by Johanna Weaver all shared what they believed were characteristics of the “flesh woman” living inside them. This is that part that keeps us from enjoying the freedom in Christ by reminding us of our fleshly desires. I named my flesh woman Mildred, for the name itself pretty much sums up that nasty old lady I’ve got hidden inside.

No fear in growing old

'Twas the day before Spring Break, and I was up early drinking my coffee in the Scrounge, waiting for a meeting to begin. Despite the hour, I was chatty and exuberant, and probably a bit obnoxious to my morning companions. I remember my InterVarsity staff worker Billy looking at me curiously that morning and asking me if my sister and I were raised by our grandparents since both of us embodied several "old-ladylike" tendencies. I couldn't help but laugh at the remark because I very often think about these characteristics: using formal as well as old fuddy-duddy expressions, waking up early just to get the day started, enjoying my good ol' musicals and black and white films, and longing to be a professional rather than a student in a generation I often can't understand.


 
While my sister and I didn't grow up in a home with our grandparents as caregivers, our mom and dad instilled in us a tremendous appreciation and respect for our elders, and we even picked up a few extra sets of grandparents and aunts and uncles along the way! I never met my mom's parents, and relationally, I was never able to just hop on the knee of either grandparent on my dad's side. However, we took Grandmom Peg and Grandpop Bill as real grandparents even though our blood lines never crossed. We visited our dear friends Rose and Ed Soken every week until they passed away when I was seven. Our family "adopted" Aunt Betty and Uncle Bob and Aunt Dorothy into our family and frequently stopped in to see my mom's Uncle Tony and Uncle Johnny in their musky old home. When I look back on my early life, I see just how much I was influenced by a different generation and by the relationships I had with older members of our family, the blood-related and adopted members alike.


 
It makes sense to me why I love chatting with older men and women, hearing their life stories and allowing them to impart their wisdom on an impressionable youngin' like me. The summer after my freshman and sophomore years of college, I had the wonderful opportunity of working at Sandy Cove's Campground with the volunteers who served in the Camp Store and in campground maintenance. Many of the married couples I encountered were in their sixties, and for me, they were a constant reminder of what truly Christ-centered marriages could look like forty years down the road. With John and Sue Smith, Tom and Lucy Stackhouse and Henry and Ann Norment, I was overwhelmed by God's grace in their marriages, the second chances he provided for many of them, and the self-sacrificing love they expressed toward one another. In my heart, I yet again adopted another three sets of spiritual grandparents who shared their walks of faith, their struggles, their stories and their lives with me. I created their work schedules and assigned them their daily tasks, and despite my young age in comparison, they respected me and worked alongside me with love and compassion.


 
On Tuesday morning, April 20, the Lord unexpectedly took home one of his faithful servants, Henry. An intellectual and problem solver, Henry's type-A personality kept maintenance a priority at the Campground. He and I talked about politics, religion, our families, the trips he and his wife took across the country in their mobile home "Bethany," and the good books we had read. He and "Annie," as he always called his wife of only a few years, woke daily at 6:30 am for devotions and prayer together; they preferred to eat meals with one another during the work day; they walked hand-in-hand beside the shoreline every evening; he always opened the car door for her and she always called him on their "walkie-talkie" to check that he was okay throughout the day. I am so blessed to have called him my friend and to have witnessed his faith daily during those two wonderful summers. I know he is worshipping with his Creator, and I can only imagine the joy of the reunion! For Annie, my heart aches that she has lost the love of her life and yet I still see her strength and faith amidst losing her husband to a sudden rupture and bleeding in the brain. To everyone in her e-mail prayer letter, she writes: "He returned back to His Father in Heaven and the Christ he loved so much.  As suddenly he came into my life 10 years ago, he was gone.  But what a Blessed 10 years."


 
I do not fear growing old for I see both the endurance of love relationships centered in Christ and the peace of returning to the Father at the end of the great race. I am convinced that there is tremendous joy in the journey if we have the faith to fight amidst our trials. I am so blessed by the faithfulness of Henry and Annie and the other couples who treated me as one of their own grandchildren during those summers. I only pray that God may shape me into a woman of faithfulness, love and perseverance as he molded these elder friends in my life.

Waiting Just a Little for the Future to Unfold

I lifted the first spoonful of Raisin Bran Crunch to my mouth and averted my eyes, beyond the tumbler of dining hall coffee and bowl of cantaloupe, toward my little pink pocket Bible. Those who see me in the dining hall day after day can tell you my breakfast selection doesn't change. I am a creature of habit, a college kid getting old and set in her ways before her time. However, for all of the routine and consistency I work into my life, I have seen God change so much in the last few months. I was flipping through the Psalms that day, in search of where the deer pants for water, just as I panted for my breakfast, when I stumbled across the cry of David's heart in Psalm 40:

I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry. (v. 1)

I paused for a moment then continued reading, my morning munchies suddenly becoming secondary to the text printed before me:

He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire;
       he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. (v. 2)

He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.
       Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD. (v. 3)

At this stage in the spring semester, I was about to make one of those "major" life decisions—what to do after graduation—which in my case involved selecting a graduate school. Yet continuing on to earn an MPA, let alone attending grad school, were the least possible options on my radar screen in the fall. I had plans to go to Law School, or at least I was preparing for it, until I heard a clear "no" and saw the door slam shut. A part of me wanted to keep pushing, since it seemed like the whole world knew I was taking my LSATs and writing my personal statement. Even though I had doubts for months and felt uneasy about becoming a lawyer, what would people say about me changing my mind? That I was fickle? That I was another misguided college senior unsure of her future? Still, I knew that the only reason to keep going in that direction was pride, fear that I was not living up to my fullest potential, the concern that I was disappointing my family and academic advisors, and the sheer uncertainty of what I was supposed to do instead.

Blessed is the man who makes the LORD his trust,
       who does not look to the proud, to those who turn aside to false gods. (v. 4)

And so, I waited. And prayed. And sought the counsel of those who knew me well. And waited for a window to open after that door had been closed. And then I waited some more.

For someone who likes to have all the items on her to-do list crossed off, the empty box next to "figure out future plans" task was a real tough line to see glaring from the page. The inner "go-getter" told me to keep busy, ask around, do everything I possibly could to force open some window to find any possible opening. Yet, my spirit told me to rest, to resist searching in my own strength and to turn my cares to someone who already knew where I would be in a year.

I remember laying on the grass at a retreat in the fall and just weeping, with tears trickling out from the corners of my eyes.

"Lord, what do you want me to do?" I cried.

After several minutes of me pouring out my anxiety and worries about the future, I was suddenly filled with an overwhelming sense of peace. Did God hear my prayer? I heard no voices, felt no gusts of wind, sensed no burning fires. Still, I believe He did hear me, but the answer did not come as "Diane, go do (fill in the blank) and that is where you will be next year." Instead, I heard loud and clear in the silence, "Wait on me, my child, for I really do have something planned for you. Today is just not the day. Wait patiently."

And, so I did. And this time, I did not mind the waiting so much.

Many, O LORD my God, are the wonders you have done.
       The things you planned for us no one can recount to you;
       were I to speak and tell of them, they would be too many to declare. (v. 5)

Sacrifice and offering you did not desire, but my ears you have pierced;
       burnt offerings and sin offerings you did not require. (v. 6)

A few weeks later, I received an e-mail inviting me to a grad school open house at UD's School of Urban Affairs and Public Policy. I was home for Thanksgiving break when the message popped into my inbox, and I just threw the idea out to my folks, who were standing a few feet away in the kitchen. It seemed right up my alley…it was too good to be true…and I never even realized that field existed before that moment. I was shocked to hear such overwhelming approval and encouragement from my parents when all I truly expected was, "That sounds good, sweetie. Just do some more research and we'll talk about it later." But the approval I had prayed for was also there along with a new fire in my eyes and desire in my heart.

I signed up to take the GRE, e-mailed professors and got the ball rolling on grad school odds and ends. There was no need to pry open a window anymore when I was feeling a steady breeze guiding me in the right direction. In all the ways the LSAT told me not to go to Law School, the GRE assured me that I was not a failure and that I did in fact have a future in an area I had never even considered possible!

Then I said, "Here I am, I have come— it is written about me in the scroll. (v. 7)

I desire to do your will, O my God; your law is within my heart." (v. 8)

The day before Spring Break, I was offered a graduate assistantship that will fully fund my education and living costs, accepted UD's offer for admission, and signed a lease to live with a "kindred spirit" and beloved friend next year. In those last few days before I put my signature the dotted line, I had too many options for grad schools and assistantships in front of me. And this time, my tears were because of awe at God's incredible provision, overabundant blessings and really perfect timing.

I proclaim righteousness in the great assembly;
       I do not seal my lips, as you know, O LORD. (v. 9)

I do not hide your righteousness in my heart; I speak of your faithfulness and salvation.
       I do not conceal your love and your truth from the great assembly. (v. 10)

Now, to all of you who have witnessed my own journey over the last few months and to those who are still waiting for an answer to future plans or tough life decisions, do not be afraid to wait patiently on the LORD, whose knowledge of our hearts surpasses even our own understanding and whose love for us will spill forth in ways we cannot even begin to imagine.

Still, amidst all the awe and confirmation I received over the last few months, my doubting alter ego is still quite the little yapper and a liar and a real force to be reckoned with.

Do not withhold your mercy from me, O LORD;
       may your love and your truth always protect me. (v. 11)

For troubles without number surround me; my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see.
       They are more than the hairs of my head, and my heart fails within me. (v. 12)

As I prepare to start working this summer and piecing together all the details for the next phase in my life, I can't deny that I still hear a little voice telling me that I settled for second best, that I should have chosen a better grad program, that all this was too easy, that I am just doing merely what's most comfortable, and that I still won't be able to find a job after my two-year program is up.

But whose approval am I seeking? Whose word means the most? Advisors who think I still should have pursued law school? People who think staying in little ol' "Dela-where" is a waste? Those who always believed I would be gallivanting in Europe with marvelous adventures ahead of me?

Be pleased, O LORD, to save me; O LORD, come quickly to help me. (v. 13)

May all who seek to take my life be put to shame and confusion;
       may all who desire my ruin be turned back in disgrace. (v. 14)

May those who say to me, "Aha! Aha!" be appalled at their own shame. (v. 15)

But may all who seek you rejoice and be glad in you;
       may those who love your salvation always say, "The LORD be exalted!" (v. 16)

Yet I am poor and needy; may the Lord think of me.
       You are my help and my deliverer; O my God, do not delay. (v. 17)

I know I cannot go forward without turning all of these joys and fears before God. He has carried me so far, and prepared me in so many different ways over the years for my new assistantship, graduate degree and academic pursuits. I am amazed, encouraged and humbled by how my life has been transformed despite my constant desire to organize and plan my whole life's journey all by myself.

To all of you, wherever you are in deciding for the future:

Rejoice in your waiting period! Give thanks if you already heard a "yes" in one way or another! Be patient and wait on the LORD. Just do not remain silent! God heard David thousands of years ago and I promise He is still listening. Now, what does that mean for you in the months to come?

The Fight for True Independence

She glared indignantly, bristled, then turned swiftly, making her petticoats blow the dusty Colorado Springs soil around her. That’s right, Dr. Mike, you tell ‘em!

Saving patients, defending the Cheyenne or proving her medical expertise, the lady protagonist in the television series Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman never takes no for an answer. While snowed-in during the first blizzard last weekend, my sister and I absorbed the entire first season of my favorite childhood drama. My mind flooded with memories of the many years and Saturday nights spent watching the show with my family more than a decade ago. However, this time, I was keenly aware of Dr. Quinn’s stubbornness and of the countless times she exploded in with riled responses. “No one can tell me how to run my life,” “Nothing can stop me,” or “If you won’t do it, then I will.” And in sixty minutes time, no one could tell her, nothing did stop her, and she went on and did it, just like she said!

It is interesting how the fictional characters I have admired most, including Jane Austen’s Elizabeth Bennet, L.M. Montgomery’s Anne Shirley, and the aforementioned Dr. Michaela Quinn, are downright headstrong and passionate, willing to do almost anything to prove they are capable, independent women. And this time as I watched the fiery doctor turn on her heels and ignore the people or situations creating obstacles, I discovered my own heels have been digging in the ground recently, and in a tremendous desire for control over my own life, I too have been flinging dust in the eyes of those around me.

What is quite striking is how this independent spirit rises up and interferes most in the relationships where we are genuinely struggling to truly love. Among family, with friends, and in the midst of living situations, we often wish to be left alone, to do our own thing without interference. Our plans are our own. Our time and to-do lists belong to us. Our eating, sleeping, or work habits should be ours too. We imagine it’s possible to compartmentalize love: I’ll love intentionally at the dinner table, in the dining hall and when it’s time to turn out the lights, but all bets are off as soon as the ability to manage my own affairs is challenged. My life! Mine. Mine? That whole intent to be more loving is then foiled by the ever-charming “Me-Gremlin” let loose to wreak havoc in our relationships. In our desire for independence, we actually become slaves to our selfish desires and even our sharp tongues.

We can look at 1 Corinthians 13 for the perfect model of love. It’s prepared with patience and kindness. Then it's mixed with forgiveness and humility. Add the trust and hope, a dash of protection with a pinch of perseverance, sift out the rudeness and boastfulness, stir in the truthfulness, and suddenly we’ve just tried to follow is a simple recipe for love. However, I was reminded last fall that this famous chapter on love comes directly after the passage describing the Church as a body of believers, with all members dependent on their fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. To love is to be part of the community, to sign your “x” on the dotted line, to commit to being part of your family’s household, friend group, fellowship, living situation, and to be all in, even when it’s ridiculously tough to love.

Jesus put it all in, no take-backs, no broken promises, no running away when the crowds sought after Him, no calling on His angels to bring Him bread nor ordering them to halt the soldiers as they crucified Him. He never tried to concoct his own plan to atone for the sins of man. He promised, obeyed, submitted, followed through, and LOVED without ever seeking to make Himself independent of the Father’s will.

May our own independent spirits no longer hold us as slaves to our selfishness and desire for control. And, as we discern where and with whom we are most obstinate, or refusing to love completely, may our spirits remain forever in Christ, who gave us true independence through His selfless acts of love for us.

Heart and Mouth Disease: A Little Spring Cleaning Needed

Just like every sibling pair, my older sister and I used to nag and pick at one another. She would boss me around, and I, in my passive-aggressive way, would take it then finally explode with a squeal of vengeance. That's right, she would get in trouble because our mother would walk in and see that I was clearly in distress. Mom came in too late to witness that I had added fuel to the fire during our childish quarrels. My sister soon learned not to stick her tongue out at me lest I tattle-tell on her. So, Carol the Clever would crinkle up her nose at me instead! Somehow "Mom, she's sticking her nose out at me!" just wasn't as effective at getting her in trouble.

I realize that my wise older sister had something there. She saw that use of the tongue can cause quite a bit of mischief. Now, we're older and we don't quite poke out our tongues exactly like we did back then, but that odd little organ placed ever so perfectly in our mouths still manages to cause tremendous damage. Instead of a mere poke of the tongue, we use it to lash out, to criticize, condemn, demean, tease, gossip, lie, and the list goes on. That's quite a bit of power that our comments, even a solitary word, can possess!

We are warned of the strength of our words (Prov. 18:21, James 3:8), how we should use wisdom in what we say (Prov. 10:19, Prov. 15:2, Prov. 21:23), and how to utilize every word for good (1 Tim 4:12, Eph 4:29, Eph 5:4. Our tongue is likened to a fire (James 3:6) and our words can pierce like a sharp sword (Prov. 12:18). Ouch! I don't particularly enjoy getting burned or cut—in the kitchen or in my spirit.

In rediscovering these verses of both warning and guidance, I deemed it possible to start using the proverbial filter when I speak, that is, thinking before I say things I might regret. Frustrated at home? No problem, I just won't criticize, and I will say only nice things or nothing at all. Bothered by something a friend did or said? I'll just smile and avoid being harsh when I see them, and I won't complain about the situation to anyone else. Talking more than listening when catching up with someone? Next time I'll remain silent and let them lead the conversation and refrain from offering too much feedback. Good resolutions. I just need to rely on God to make me more conscientious, right?

Not exactly. Being a more conscientious person, I soon realized, is not the problem. It is true that in all things we are called to ask for God's strength to give us self-control, including in taming the tongue. Still, toning down the words that come out my mouth only deals with part of the issue. In the heat of the moment, when anger or judgment is boiling up inside, it's like a geyser, ready to spew steaming water into the air at a moment's notice. There's no time or need for a filter to hold back that powerful force—it will break under the pressure.

It was during those times that I prayed Psalm 19:14, and I believed I was asking for two different things: LORD, keep me from mean and nasty speech (install a Godly filter in my mouth), and also remove those unpleasant thoughts in my heart (while you're installing the screen at the front door, do some spring cleaning inside), Amen. Then, I stumbled across some verses in Matthew and realized that no screen, regardless of how many nuts and bolts hold it in place, can withstand the force of what comes from within, from the heart.

"But the things that come out of the mouth come from the heart, and these make a man 'unclean.' For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander. These are what make a man 'unclean'; but eating with unwashed hands does not make him 'unclean.'" Matthew 15:18-20

I can try to be nice and temper my words, but even with what I don't say, the tone of my voice and curt responses speak volumes. And those nuances come straight from the heart. The heart and the mouth are so incredibly and inextricably related! What we believe in our heart is confessed with our mouths (Romans 10:8-10), and our words or use of our words are juxtaposed with the heart dozens of times in Proverbs (Prov. 10:20; 15:7, 28; 16:23; 23:15).

There is a tremendous freedom in recognizing that the quick fix does not rest in merely altering the words that escape from our lips. The challenge, however, rests in allowing a total renovation of the heart. The degree to which we love or respect another person will guide what and how we say anything, and how we love is determined by the spiritual transformation happening within.

"If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God. If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power forever and ever. Amen." 1 Peter 4:11

The Kind of Love We Desire

During the past semester and even more specifically in the last week, I have been reminded of the "Great Relationship Challenge," for both guys and girls. It doesn't help that Valentine's Day is fast approaching and people are already planning their singles parties in response. I for one am discouraged by the tendency of women in particular to band together and lament their single status. Gentlemen, I don't know what you do about this, but I sense that you probably share your tales of woe as well.

However, this is not a commentary on our February 14 holiday. That is still a few weeks away. No, this is a response to how we perceive love in relationships and the kind of person we desire in those relationships. I am struck by how many girls swoon over the romance in Twilight (which I only saw on the spur of the moment in the theatre without having read the books) and epitomize the protective, obsessive love between the two main characters. To be honest, my heart just broke when I saw how Edward put Bella on this tremendous pedestal of perfection and later how Bella emotionally and physically fell to pieces over their breakup. There are two VERY unhealthy pieces to that relationship: first, Edward idolized Bella, an imperfect being, as his first love; second, Bella found her identity in an imperfect man, and when he left, she no longer existed because her identity had vanished.

It is so easy to want to look for a man or woman who will not disappoint us, someone who we can hold up to love and worship because we know we ourselves are so flawed. That's right, we are imperfect, and we want stability and perfection in our midst. Sometimes, we find someone, and blinded by our passion, we worship them and can't even see that the other party does in fact have flaws too.

Several ladies agreed with me this week when I commented how I do not want to be idolized by any man, and if a gentleman is loving me more than he loves God, then we are in for a pretty risky venture. I imagine, too, that guys also do not wish to be the man put up on the white horse, lest they fall off their "bleached charger" and disappoint their lovely damsels in/not in distress.

Ladies and gentlemen, I challenge you to seek this in your relationships:

I desire someone:

• to love but not idolize me
  
• to respect but not epitomize me
  
• to know and challenge me
  
• to protect and encourage me
  
• to be strong in faith and weak at the knees before the Lord
  
• to work diligently but rest in God's Word
  
• to fight for truth and righteousness and surrender to the Father's will
  
• to be imperfect but undergoing spiritual transformation
  
• to see my imperfections and spur me on towards Christ
  

And what are the risks of relationship idolatry? Well, if someone were to put me on a pedestal, I would probably respond in one of two ways:

1. Become so enamored by someone's affection for me that I no longer have the desire to grow or strengthen my relationship with God. Hey, this person already thinks I'm okay, so why go to the trouble to change?
   
2. Become resentful that someone esteems me so much yet does not care enough to challenge me amidst my flaws. Seriously, I don't want to be perceived as perfect when there is only one great God to be worshiped first.
   

These are just a few reflections based upon recent conversations and the feeling that some of us need a little encouragement in this area. And where do we go to find the model of the characters we want to encourage in our friends or partners? Ladies, let's start by looking at Proverbs 31 and spur one another on; men, take a look at Boaz and be encouraging one another as well. I know there are a million other places to look, but maybe those can be suggestions we pass along to one another. Above all, remember that Christ's perfect love is incomprehensible and 1 Corinthians 13 is just a glimpse of how our hearts can be transformed in Christ!