The Seasons May Change (But My LORD is the Same)

As a child, I used to hate change. Whenever my mother decided to rearrange the furniture in the living room, I was discombobulated for days. When summer or family vacations ended, I would sit in my mom's lap and cry uncontrollably at the thought of something sweet being taken away coming to a close. I even recall feeling panicked at the thought of entering high school, and for an over achiever like me, the prospect of even more intense study habits rocked my world.

However, I can honestly say that since high school, I have developed an unusual fondness for change, for those natural breaks in the monotony of life. I looked to vacations and work periods as beautiful shifts in the natural rhythm, to friends moving on or my own departures with a sense of peace, and to the seasons as cues to make those necessary alterations in my attitude or activities, to enjoy yet another fresh start in my life.
When I think about the seasons, I am reminded of Solomon's verses in Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 and of the time and place designated for every action, thought, feeling or behavior:

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:

a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace. 

When I look back over the last year, I am amazed by the immense number of changes I've eexperienced in my own life. Sometimes I am discouraged by all the ups and downs and winding turns that take place over time, wishing I could be more consistent in my pursuits and daily walk; yet at the same time, I am humbled at the mere thought that, as I change over time and restart things over again and again, God is ALWAYS constant, and He uses those experiences to grow me into a woman after His own heart!

The last four seasons have been remarkable, and I have seen all the different ways God reveals his character and care for me:


Summer: The Refiner's Fire

For day and night your hand was heavy upon me;
    my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer.
-Psalm 32:4

Hot and humid. Oh, summertime, and the goin' ain't always easy in Delaware! I sure felt the heat last summer, but I'm not just talking about the weather. I put a lot of pressure on myself during those three sultry months as I began researching for my senior thesis and preparing for the LSATs. No one established a standard or advised me on how hard I should have worked; instead, I found myself setting unrealistic goals for myself and then feeling guilty when I didn't meet the mark. I believed I constantly needed to be reading articles and books pertaining to my research, and if I decided to take a break from that, I felt obligated to crack open some logic puzzles and tackle the infamous law school exam. Productivity was my idol, and the level of progress I attained became my identity. Something was off, I was miserable, and I began to push away the folks who loved me and wanted to spend time with me during those summer months.



By July 4^th, I was burnt out. In my mind, my work was not good enough and I compared myself to every other researcher, who I believed was doing more and was better motivated than I was. What poppycock! My sister gently pulled me aside and scolded me for making work a painful rather than joyful experience. She advised me to have fun, just to sit down, relax, and to read a good novel—nothing heavy like those non-fiction Christian books I insisted on reading in order to "fix" myself and "refine" my spirit. At the same time, I also started having qualms about attending law school, and I remember nearly crying in the kitchen of two friends as they prepared me dinner and I poured out my doubts and fears. I was also meeting with and studying Ecclesiastes with a woman from my UD "home" church last summer, and together we explored the purpose of life and the search for godly wisdom. I felt the pressure building and the heat beginning to burn some of the most sensitive areas of my heart and mind. Something just had to change.




I knew God was allowing me to pass through one of those testing periods. I was a slave to work and to my own self-deprecating thoughts. This cycle of fear and anxiety over plans for the present and the future continued until I realized the only bar, the only standard for my life is the one set before my by Christ. I needed to recognize once again that only He is Lord and that my identity is found in Him alone! I don't want to be my own master—after three months of micromanaging my destiny, I could rejoice in my insufficiency and finally praise God that I was not in control.


By the end of the summer, I realized I wasn't so far off track with my research. I had written 32 pages of my thesis and was ready to embark on a new semester. It is crazy how easily one can lose perspective of reality when wrapped up in self-seeking goals and following personal margin rather than looking to a holier standard of living. The fire was painful, but the process of refining my spirit and my growth during those three months prepared me for yet another season when I would be forced to trust God with my future dreams and surrender my life plans to Him.

These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.
-1 Peter 1:7

Fall: Providing for the Harvest

Now he who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food will also supply and increase your store of seed and will enlarge the harvest of your righteousness.
-2 Corinthians 9:10

It became evident last fall that law school was not the path I was to pursue. A few closed doors and a lack of desire for that destiny took root. However, after I surrendered that plan, I was left with an array of options and tremendous uncertainty. I knew I wanted to be used by God, but I had absolutely no idea where or how. I frequently asked friends where they could see me in the future. I heard several suggestions, but as soon as I heard a family doctor, the non-science-minded voice inside reminded me I should be lift this up in prayer and wait patiently on the Lord to see what to do next.

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
-1 Peter 5:6-7

In late November, I received a single e-mail inviting me to a grad school open house at UD. I realized the degree in public administration and an assistantship I was investigating combined so many past experiences, jobs and passions, and I saw how they could be used by God in ways I never thought possible! I realized why it was important for me to write a thesis for grad school, why I had worked in so many different "Fellows" positions with the Honors Program over the last four years, and why I was given the opportunity to serve through various roles in InterVarsity. All of these things had grown me, prepared me, and developed my passions, priorities and skills for both my masters program and assistantship. God provides in remarkable ways! While the sowing took some time (21 years of growing up to be exact), the ripened fruit has been sweeter than anything I could ever have imagined.

I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the muck and mire; he set my feet on solid ground and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD.
-Psalm 40:1-3

Winter: Humbled by God's Power

He spreads the snow like wool and scatters the frost like ashes.

He hurls down his hail like pebbles.  Who can withstand his icy blast?

He sends his word and melts them; he stirs up his breezes, and the waters flow.
-Psalm 147:16-18

The air turned crisp and the days became shorter. I do love when fall turns to winter, not only because I can curl up with a nice cup of tea openly start to play my Christmas carols (I start listening to Bing Crosby croon "White Christmas" on November 1^st much to my roommates' dismay), but because of the natural transition from one season to the next. Yet year after year, as winter sets in, so does my restless spirit. This year, I found myself more and more dismayed by the accumulating snow and the limitations set by intense weather conditions. I longed for my winter doldrums to melt away and for both my work productivity and mood to improve—the sooner the better!


As the weeks went on and I stomped around feeling sorry for myself, I realized I was wishing away my time at home and at UD rather than experiencing the joy of that season in my life. I would be graduating in a few months and there were so many precious conversations with friends and family, interesting encounters in the classroom, and nail-biting anticipation as I waited to hear from graduate schools. There were both delightful moments and dull periods during those months, but I was focusing so resolutely on the futility of winter.

As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, all the trees of the field will clap their hands.    
-Isaiah 55:10-12

There was one day right after the second February blizzard when I sat in my dorm room and watched the wind blow snow across the Green. Massive snowdrifts formed and tree branches sagged under the weight of the precipitation. Peering out my window, I remember a "wow" escaping with my breath as I exhaled; the force of the winds and intensity of the snow rendered me speechless! At that moment, I was overwhelmed by God's immense power. He created the winds and the snow, and their strength reflected just a glimpse of His might! Suddenly I felt so small, so foolish that I had been so eager for winter to pass, just so I could regain control over my life. I longed for spring so I could walk freely outside and smile in the sunshine. Yet, what I really needed was that reminder that I'm not in control. I am weak. I need a God who can set a blizzard in motion with just a single breath. Winter was rough, but wonderfully humbling as I witnessed the beautiful power of my LORD.

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
-Isaiah 40:29-31

Spring: A Beautiful Redemption

Oh give thanks to the LORD, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever! Let the redeemed of the LORD say so, whom he has redeemed from trouble and gathered in from the lands, from the east and from the west, from the north and from the south.
-Psalm 107:1-3

One early morning as I was making my way to the gym, I stopped next to Memorial Hall and stared at the red bricks under my sneakers. Through the cracks, I saw tiny worms creeping out and crawl toward the grass. I took a breath and smelled the earthy scent of spring rising and taking over. As was overwhelmed with that vision of life coming up from the ground and the knowledge that a bloomin' season was about to begin. As I continued walking, I repeated to myself over and over again, "God keeps His promises. Oh, yes, He keeps His promises!"

Know therefore that the LORD your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commands.
-Deuteronomy 7:9

I felt personally restored as winter turned to spring and all my anxiety and dreariness began to melt away. To some, this may sound sappy, but to others, it may strike a chord: I once again experienced a hopefulness that had died and was consumed with a joy that I am a living, breathing recipient of new life. We're not just talking that physical rejuvenation one gets when the weather is warmer, but the kind that reminds one's spirit of the new life guaranteed in Christ. We make ourselves slaves to fear, sadness, anxiety, apathy, or hopelessness, and yet we have a God who is faithful, who keeps his promises, who redeems us even when we feel unworthy of redemption.

 

Your love, O LORD, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies.
-Psalm 36:5
 

A part of me felt like I didn't deserve a gorgeous spring to come, that I was not worthy of the transformation that was taking hold of the world around me—I felt like I had reverted into my grumpy old alter ego named Mildred** who was perpetually self-absorbed and complaining about one thing or another. And yet by grace I was given an opportunity to turn my selfishness and sin over to God and give Mildred the boot! It's a mighty wonderful feeling to know I have been restored and I am not condemned to the life I no longer wish to live.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!
-2 Corinthians 5:17

A New Season

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
-Jeremiah 29:11

During the last few months, I've heard both grumbles and squeals from soon-to-be college grads, either lamenting the reality of entering the "real world" or celebrating the escape from academia. So many remarkable (and sometimes daunting) changes do occur as soon as college grads flip the tassels over their poorly-fitting caps. Finances, relationships, schedules all begin to take on a new shape, and sometimes an entirely different dynamic. However, on the eve of graduation, I must admit I am looking forward to the transition from the life of an undergraduate to one of a working graduate student.




It is truly difficult to say farewell to some, and I know maintaining strong relationships is a challenge. Yet, I believe that some friendships will develop and mature at this new stage in our lives, for our conversations and moments together will be that much sweeter with both time and space between us. There are folks who know my heart and love me, just as I know and love them. No matter where we travel, what profession we pursue, or what growth happens in our lives, we have one thing in common: a spiritual passion and longing that far surpasses whatever changes the world throws at us. For this, I am truly excited. I long to see how God will continue to transform my friends and loved ones over the next few months and years. If we look at live transitions like graduation in such a way, we are only left with a hope and a promise for greater things yet to come!

^"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."
-Joshua 1:9

Today, I cannot help but rejoice in the uncertainty of my future! I do not know what will happen in my life while I am in grad school or even after my two-year program ends. Still, I know God has carried me this far and I believe he will do the same for all those who remain anxious about what lies ahead. In the last year, I have witnessed so many amazing characteristics of God. He is a Refiner, Provider, and All-Powerful Redeemer. And while I have grown and changed, my LORD has remained constant! Yes, I am in His hands, and as I move into the next season of life, I can't wait to see where He carries me.

Then I heard the voice of the LORD saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?" And I said, "Here am I. Send me!"
-Isaiah 6:8

**The ladies who joined me for the book study Having a Mary Spirit by Johanna Weaver all shared what they believed were characteristics of the “flesh woman” living inside them. This is that part that keeps us from enjoying the freedom in Christ by reminding us of our fleshly desires. I named my flesh woman Mildred, for the name itself pretty much sums up that nasty old lady I’ve got hidden inside.