No fear in growing old

'Twas the day before Spring Break, and I was up early drinking my coffee in the Scrounge, waiting for a meeting to begin. Despite the hour, I was chatty and exuberant, and probably a bit obnoxious to my morning companions. I remember my InterVarsity staff worker Billy looking at me curiously that morning and asking me if my sister and I were raised by our grandparents since both of us embodied several "old-ladylike" tendencies. I couldn't help but laugh at the remark because I very often think about these characteristics: using formal as well as old fuddy-duddy expressions, waking up early just to get the day started, enjoying my good ol' musicals and black and white films, and longing to be a professional rather than a student in a generation I often can't understand.


 
While my sister and I didn't grow up in a home with our grandparents as caregivers, our mom and dad instilled in us a tremendous appreciation and respect for our elders, and we even picked up a few extra sets of grandparents and aunts and uncles along the way! I never met my mom's parents, and relationally, I was never able to just hop on the knee of either grandparent on my dad's side. However, we took Grandmom Peg and Grandpop Bill as real grandparents even though our blood lines never crossed. We visited our dear friends Rose and Ed Soken every week until they passed away when I was seven. Our family "adopted" Aunt Betty and Uncle Bob and Aunt Dorothy into our family and frequently stopped in to see my mom's Uncle Tony and Uncle Johnny in their musky old home. When I look back on my early life, I see just how much I was influenced by a different generation and by the relationships I had with older members of our family, the blood-related and adopted members alike.


 
It makes sense to me why I love chatting with older men and women, hearing their life stories and allowing them to impart their wisdom on an impressionable youngin' like me. The summer after my freshman and sophomore years of college, I had the wonderful opportunity of working at Sandy Cove's Campground with the volunteers who served in the Camp Store and in campground maintenance. Many of the married couples I encountered were in their sixties, and for me, they were a constant reminder of what truly Christ-centered marriages could look like forty years down the road. With John and Sue Smith, Tom and Lucy Stackhouse and Henry and Ann Norment, I was overwhelmed by God's grace in their marriages, the second chances he provided for many of them, and the self-sacrificing love they expressed toward one another. In my heart, I yet again adopted another three sets of spiritual grandparents who shared their walks of faith, their struggles, their stories and their lives with me. I created their work schedules and assigned them their daily tasks, and despite my young age in comparison, they respected me and worked alongside me with love and compassion.


 
On Tuesday morning, April 20, the Lord unexpectedly took home one of his faithful servants, Henry. An intellectual and problem solver, Henry's type-A personality kept maintenance a priority at the Campground. He and I talked about politics, religion, our families, the trips he and his wife took across the country in their mobile home "Bethany," and the good books we had read. He and "Annie," as he always called his wife of only a few years, woke daily at 6:30 am for devotions and prayer together; they preferred to eat meals with one another during the work day; they walked hand-in-hand beside the shoreline every evening; he always opened the car door for her and she always called him on their "walkie-talkie" to check that he was okay throughout the day. I am so blessed to have called him my friend and to have witnessed his faith daily during those two wonderful summers. I know he is worshipping with his Creator, and I can only imagine the joy of the reunion! For Annie, my heart aches that she has lost the love of her life and yet I still see her strength and faith amidst losing her husband to a sudden rupture and bleeding in the brain. To everyone in her e-mail prayer letter, she writes: "He returned back to His Father in Heaven and the Christ he loved so much.  As suddenly he came into my life 10 years ago, he was gone.  But what a Blessed 10 years."


 
I do not fear growing old for I see both the endurance of love relationships centered in Christ and the peace of returning to the Father at the end of the great race. I am convinced that there is tremendous joy in the journey if we have the faith to fight amidst our trials. I am so blessed by the faithfulness of Henry and Annie and the other couples who treated me as one of their own grandchildren during those summers. I only pray that God may shape me into a woman of faithfulness, love and perseverance as he molded these elder friends in my life.

Waiting Just a Little for the Future to Unfold

I lifted the first spoonful of Raisin Bran Crunch to my mouth and averted my eyes, beyond the tumbler of dining hall coffee and bowl of cantaloupe, toward my little pink pocket Bible. Those who see me in the dining hall day after day can tell you my breakfast selection doesn't change. I am a creature of habit, a college kid getting old and set in her ways before her time. However, for all of the routine and consistency I work into my life, I have seen God change so much in the last few months. I was flipping through the Psalms that day, in search of where the deer pants for water, just as I panted for my breakfast, when I stumbled across the cry of David's heart in Psalm 40:

I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry. (v. 1)

I paused for a moment then continued reading, my morning munchies suddenly becoming secondary to the text printed before me:

He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire;
       he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. (v. 2)

He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.
       Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD. (v. 3)

At this stage in the spring semester, I was about to make one of those "major" life decisions—what to do after graduation—which in my case involved selecting a graduate school. Yet continuing on to earn an MPA, let alone attending grad school, were the least possible options on my radar screen in the fall. I had plans to go to Law School, or at least I was preparing for it, until I heard a clear "no" and saw the door slam shut. A part of me wanted to keep pushing, since it seemed like the whole world knew I was taking my LSATs and writing my personal statement. Even though I had doubts for months and felt uneasy about becoming a lawyer, what would people say about me changing my mind? That I was fickle? That I was another misguided college senior unsure of her future? Still, I knew that the only reason to keep going in that direction was pride, fear that I was not living up to my fullest potential, the concern that I was disappointing my family and academic advisors, and the sheer uncertainty of what I was supposed to do instead.

Blessed is the man who makes the LORD his trust,
       who does not look to the proud, to those who turn aside to false gods. (v. 4)

And so, I waited. And prayed. And sought the counsel of those who knew me well. And waited for a window to open after that door had been closed. And then I waited some more.

For someone who likes to have all the items on her to-do list crossed off, the empty box next to "figure out future plans" task was a real tough line to see glaring from the page. The inner "go-getter" told me to keep busy, ask around, do everything I possibly could to force open some window to find any possible opening. Yet, my spirit told me to rest, to resist searching in my own strength and to turn my cares to someone who already knew where I would be in a year.

I remember laying on the grass at a retreat in the fall and just weeping, with tears trickling out from the corners of my eyes.

"Lord, what do you want me to do?" I cried.

After several minutes of me pouring out my anxiety and worries about the future, I was suddenly filled with an overwhelming sense of peace. Did God hear my prayer? I heard no voices, felt no gusts of wind, sensed no burning fires. Still, I believe He did hear me, but the answer did not come as "Diane, go do (fill in the blank) and that is where you will be next year." Instead, I heard loud and clear in the silence, "Wait on me, my child, for I really do have something planned for you. Today is just not the day. Wait patiently."

And, so I did. And this time, I did not mind the waiting so much.

Many, O LORD my God, are the wonders you have done.
       The things you planned for us no one can recount to you;
       were I to speak and tell of them, they would be too many to declare. (v. 5)

Sacrifice and offering you did not desire, but my ears you have pierced;
       burnt offerings and sin offerings you did not require. (v. 6)

A few weeks later, I received an e-mail inviting me to a grad school open house at UD's School of Urban Affairs and Public Policy. I was home for Thanksgiving break when the message popped into my inbox, and I just threw the idea out to my folks, who were standing a few feet away in the kitchen. It seemed right up my alley…it was too good to be true…and I never even realized that field existed before that moment. I was shocked to hear such overwhelming approval and encouragement from my parents when all I truly expected was, "That sounds good, sweetie. Just do some more research and we'll talk about it later." But the approval I had prayed for was also there along with a new fire in my eyes and desire in my heart.

I signed up to take the GRE, e-mailed professors and got the ball rolling on grad school odds and ends. There was no need to pry open a window anymore when I was feeling a steady breeze guiding me in the right direction. In all the ways the LSAT told me not to go to Law School, the GRE assured me that I was not a failure and that I did in fact have a future in an area I had never even considered possible!

Then I said, "Here I am, I have come— it is written about me in the scroll. (v. 7)

I desire to do your will, O my God; your law is within my heart." (v. 8)

The day before Spring Break, I was offered a graduate assistantship that will fully fund my education and living costs, accepted UD's offer for admission, and signed a lease to live with a "kindred spirit" and beloved friend next year. In those last few days before I put my signature the dotted line, I had too many options for grad schools and assistantships in front of me. And this time, my tears were because of awe at God's incredible provision, overabundant blessings and really perfect timing.

I proclaim righteousness in the great assembly;
       I do not seal my lips, as you know, O LORD. (v. 9)

I do not hide your righteousness in my heart; I speak of your faithfulness and salvation.
       I do not conceal your love and your truth from the great assembly. (v. 10)

Now, to all of you who have witnessed my own journey over the last few months and to those who are still waiting for an answer to future plans or tough life decisions, do not be afraid to wait patiently on the LORD, whose knowledge of our hearts surpasses even our own understanding and whose love for us will spill forth in ways we cannot even begin to imagine.

Still, amidst all the awe and confirmation I received over the last few months, my doubting alter ego is still quite the little yapper and a liar and a real force to be reckoned with.

Do not withhold your mercy from me, O LORD;
       may your love and your truth always protect me. (v. 11)

For troubles without number surround me; my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see.
       They are more than the hairs of my head, and my heart fails within me. (v. 12)

As I prepare to start working this summer and piecing together all the details for the next phase in my life, I can't deny that I still hear a little voice telling me that I settled for second best, that I should have chosen a better grad program, that all this was too easy, that I am just doing merely what's most comfortable, and that I still won't be able to find a job after my two-year program is up.

But whose approval am I seeking? Whose word means the most? Advisors who think I still should have pursued law school? People who think staying in little ol' "Dela-where" is a waste? Those who always believed I would be gallivanting in Europe with marvelous adventures ahead of me?

Be pleased, O LORD, to save me; O LORD, come quickly to help me. (v. 13)

May all who seek to take my life be put to shame and confusion;
       may all who desire my ruin be turned back in disgrace. (v. 14)

May those who say to me, "Aha! Aha!" be appalled at their own shame. (v. 15)

But may all who seek you rejoice and be glad in you;
       may those who love your salvation always say, "The LORD be exalted!" (v. 16)

Yet I am poor and needy; may the Lord think of me.
       You are my help and my deliverer; O my God, do not delay. (v. 17)

I know I cannot go forward without turning all of these joys and fears before God. He has carried me so far, and prepared me in so many different ways over the years for my new assistantship, graduate degree and academic pursuits. I am amazed, encouraged and humbled by how my life has been transformed despite my constant desire to organize and plan my whole life's journey all by myself.

To all of you, wherever you are in deciding for the future:

Rejoice in your waiting period! Give thanks if you already heard a "yes" in one way or another! Be patient and wait on the LORD. Just do not remain silent! God heard David thousands of years ago and I promise He is still listening. Now, what does that mean for you in the months to come?

The Fight for True Independence

She glared indignantly, bristled, then turned swiftly, making her petticoats blow the dusty Colorado Springs soil around her. That’s right, Dr. Mike, you tell ‘em!

Saving patients, defending the Cheyenne or proving her medical expertise, the lady protagonist in the television series Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman never takes no for an answer. While snowed-in during the first blizzard last weekend, my sister and I absorbed the entire first season of my favorite childhood drama. My mind flooded with memories of the many years and Saturday nights spent watching the show with my family more than a decade ago. However, this time, I was keenly aware of Dr. Quinn’s stubbornness and of the countless times she exploded in with riled responses. “No one can tell me how to run my life,” “Nothing can stop me,” or “If you won’t do it, then I will.” And in sixty minutes time, no one could tell her, nothing did stop her, and she went on and did it, just like she said!

It is interesting how the fictional characters I have admired most, including Jane Austen’s Elizabeth Bennet, L.M. Montgomery’s Anne Shirley, and the aforementioned Dr. Michaela Quinn, are downright headstrong and passionate, willing to do almost anything to prove they are capable, independent women. And this time as I watched the fiery doctor turn on her heels and ignore the people or situations creating obstacles, I discovered my own heels have been digging in the ground recently, and in a tremendous desire for control over my own life, I too have been flinging dust in the eyes of those around me.

What is quite striking is how this independent spirit rises up and interferes most in the relationships where we are genuinely struggling to truly love. Among family, with friends, and in the midst of living situations, we often wish to be left alone, to do our own thing without interference. Our plans are our own. Our time and to-do lists belong to us. Our eating, sleeping, or work habits should be ours too. We imagine it’s possible to compartmentalize love: I’ll love intentionally at the dinner table, in the dining hall and when it’s time to turn out the lights, but all bets are off as soon as the ability to manage my own affairs is challenged. My life! Mine. Mine? That whole intent to be more loving is then foiled by the ever-charming “Me-Gremlin” let loose to wreak havoc in our relationships. In our desire for independence, we actually become slaves to our selfish desires and even our sharp tongues.

We can look at 1 Corinthians 13 for the perfect model of love. It’s prepared with patience and kindness. Then it's mixed with forgiveness and humility. Add the trust and hope, a dash of protection with a pinch of perseverance, sift out the rudeness and boastfulness, stir in the truthfulness, and suddenly we’ve just tried to follow is a simple recipe for love. However, I was reminded last fall that this famous chapter on love comes directly after the passage describing the Church as a body of believers, with all members dependent on their fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. To love is to be part of the community, to sign your “x” on the dotted line, to commit to being part of your family’s household, friend group, fellowship, living situation, and to be all in, even when it’s ridiculously tough to love.

Jesus put it all in, no take-backs, no broken promises, no running away when the crowds sought after Him, no calling on His angels to bring Him bread nor ordering them to halt the soldiers as they crucified Him. He never tried to concoct his own plan to atone for the sins of man. He promised, obeyed, submitted, followed through, and LOVED without ever seeking to make Himself independent of the Father’s will.

May our own independent spirits no longer hold us as slaves to our selfishness and desire for control. And, as we discern where and with whom we are most obstinate, or refusing to love completely, may our spirits remain forever in Christ, who gave us true independence through His selfless acts of love for us.

Heart and Mouth Disease: A Little Spring Cleaning Needed

Just like every sibling pair, my older sister and I used to nag and pick at one another. She would boss me around, and I, in my passive-aggressive way, would take it then finally explode with a squeal of vengeance. That's right, she would get in trouble because our mother would walk in and see that I was clearly in distress. Mom came in too late to witness that I had added fuel to the fire during our childish quarrels. My sister soon learned not to stick her tongue out at me lest I tattle-tell on her. So, Carol the Clever would crinkle up her nose at me instead! Somehow "Mom, she's sticking her nose out at me!" just wasn't as effective at getting her in trouble.

I realize that my wise older sister had something there. She saw that use of the tongue can cause quite a bit of mischief. Now, we're older and we don't quite poke out our tongues exactly like we did back then, but that odd little organ placed ever so perfectly in our mouths still manages to cause tremendous damage. Instead of a mere poke of the tongue, we use it to lash out, to criticize, condemn, demean, tease, gossip, lie, and the list goes on. That's quite a bit of power that our comments, even a solitary word, can possess!

We are warned of the strength of our words (Prov. 18:21, James 3:8), how we should use wisdom in what we say (Prov. 10:19, Prov. 15:2, Prov. 21:23), and how to utilize every word for good (1 Tim 4:12, Eph 4:29, Eph 5:4. Our tongue is likened to a fire (James 3:6) and our words can pierce like a sharp sword (Prov. 12:18). Ouch! I don't particularly enjoy getting burned or cut—in the kitchen or in my spirit.

In rediscovering these verses of both warning and guidance, I deemed it possible to start using the proverbial filter when I speak, that is, thinking before I say things I might regret. Frustrated at home? No problem, I just won't criticize, and I will say only nice things or nothing at all. Bothered by something a friend did or said? I'll just smile and avoid being harsh when I see them, and I won't complain about the situation to anyone else. Talking more than listening when catching up with someone? Next time I'll remain silent and let them lead the conversation and refrain from offering too much feedback. Good resolutions. I just need to rely on God to make me more conscientious, right?

Not exactly. Being a more conscientious person, I soon realized, is not the problem. It is true that in all things we are called to ask for God's strength to give us self-control, including in taming the tongue. Still, toning down the words that come out my mouth only deals with part of the issue. In the heat of the moment, when anger or judgment is boiling up inside, it's like a geyser, ready to spew steaming water into the air at a moment's notice. There's no time or need for a filter to hold back that powerful force—it will break under the pressure.

It was during those times that I prayed Psalm 19:14, and I believed I was asking for two different things: LORD, keep me from mean and nasty speech (install a Godly filter in my mouth), and also remove those unpleasant thoughts in my heart (while you're installing the screen at the front door, do some spring cleaning inside), Amen. Then, I stumbled across some verses in Matthew and realized that no screen, regardless of how many nuts and bolts hold it in place, can withstand the force of what comes from within, from the heart.

"But the things that come out of the mouth come from the heart, and these make a man 'unclean.' For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander. These are what make a man 'unclean'; but eating with unwashed hands does not make him 'unclean.'" Matthew 15:18-20

I can try to be nice and temper my words, but even with what I don't say, the tone of my voice and curt responses speak volumes. And those nuances come straight from the heart. The heart and the mouth are so incredibly and inextricably related! What we believe in our heart is confessed with our mouths (Romans 10:8-10), and our words or use of our words are juxtaposed with the heart dozens of times in Proverbs (Prov. 10:20; 15:7, 28; 16:23; 23:15).

There is a tremendous freedom in recognizing that the quick fix does not rest in merely altering the words that escape from our lips. The challenge, however, rests in allowing a total renovation of the heart. The degree to which we love or respect another person will guide what and how we say anything, and how we love is determined by the spiritual transformation happening within.

"If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God. If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power forever and ever. Amen." 1 Peter 4:11

The Kind of Love We Desire

During the past semester and even more specifically in the last week, I have been reminded of the "Great Relationship Challenge," for both guys and girls. It doesn't help that Valentine's Day is fast approaching and people are already planning their singles parties in response. I for one am discouraged by the tendency of women in particular to band together and lament their single status. Gentlemen, I don't know what you do about this, but I sense that you probably share your tales of woe as well.

However, this is not a commentary on our February 14 holiday. That is still a few weeks away. No, this is a response to how we perceive love in relationships and the kind of person we desire in those relationships. I am struck by how many girls swoon over the romance in Twilight (which I only saw on the spur of the moment in the theatre without having read the books) and epitomize the protective, obsessive love between the two main characters. To be honest, my heart just broke when I saw how Edward put Bella on this tremendous pedestal of perfection and later how Bella emotionally and physically fell to pieces over their breakup. There are two VERY unhealthy pieces to that relationship: first, Edward idolized Bella, an imperfect being, as his first love; second, Bella found her identity in an imperfect man, and when he left, she no longer existed because her identity had vanished.

It is so easy to want to look for a man or woman who will not disappoint us, someone who we can hold up to love and worship because we know we ourselves are so flawed. That's right, we are imperfect, and we want stability and perfection in our midst. Sometimes, we find someone, and blinded by our passion, we worship them and can't even see that the other party does in fact have flaws too.

Several ladies agreed with me this week when I commented how I do not want to be idolized by any man, and if a gentleman is loving me more than he loves God, then we are in for a pretty risky venture. I imagine, too, that guys also do not wish to be the man put up on the white horse, lest they fall off their "bleached charger" and disappoint their lovely damsels in/not in distress.

Ladies and gentlemen, I challenge you to seek this in your relationships:

I desire someone:

• to love but not idolize me
  
• to respect but not epitomize me
  
• to know and challenge me
  
• to protect and encourage me
  
• to be strong in faith and weak at the knees before the Lord
  
• to work diligently but rest in God's Word
  
• to fight for truth and righteousness and surrender to the Father's will
  
• to be imperfect but undergoing spiritual transformation
  
• to see my imperfections and spur me on towards Christ
  

And what are the risks of relationship idolatry? Well, if someone were to put me on a pedestal, I would probably respond in one of two ways:

1. Become so enamored by someone's affection for me that I no longer have the desire to grow or strengthen my relationship with God. Hey, this person already thinks I'm okay, so why go to the trouble to change?
   
2. Become resentful that someone esteems me so much yet does not care enough to challenge me amidst my flaws. Seriously, I don't want to be perceived as perfect when there is only one great God to be worshiped first.
   

These are just a few reflections based upon recent conversations and the feeling that some of us need a little encouragement in this area. And where do we go to find the model of the characters we want to encourage in our friends or partners? Ladies, let's start by looking at Proverbs 31 and spur one another on; men, take a look at Boaz and be encouraging one another as well. I know there are a million other places to look, but maybe those can be suggestions we pass along to one another. Above all, remember that Christ's perfect love is incomprehensible and 1 Corinthians 13 is just a glimpse of how our hearts can be transformed in Christ!